A Job Application

I watched 10 minutes of a documentary about the right time to have a baby, the 10-minute gist of which appeared to be that either you become pregnant between the ages of 12 and 17 with no partner support and thus become a drain on the big spend or somehow you selfishly make it through to the beginning of your 30s with your cervix intact (apparently pursuing high-flying roles or money-making-satisfying careers) but leave it too late to conceive thus denying the population a healthy number of middle class babies to look after us in our old age.  I went to bed without discovering whether any of my single girlfriends had been interviewed who said What Fucking Career, Once He Proposes I’m Out Of Here? but I guess this programme wasn't aimed at this singular demographic.

Since these women are not to be easily convinced by either becoming a drain on the public finances as a Teenage Mum Shock nor the detrimental effect of the dearth of civil servants and medical staff to look after them in their pension years as they’ve left childbearing until their mid 30s, a more holistic approach might prevail by appealing to their vanity.

It occurred to me that three birds with one stone could be had with A Job For Debs!  I could visit first schools, as part of their sex education syllabus, and then commercial offices, as part of the water cooler conventions.  I would stand on a pedestal for half an hour, naked for examination, whilst a PowerPoint presentation, or whatever audio visual technology is up to these days, plays out behind me.

Either Teenagers Thinking of Taking an Early Plunge Into Motherhood or Women Thinking of Leaving It Too Too Late could see for themselves the ravages of my body after two babies: the caesarean scar / the stretch marks / the sad feckers which used to be my bosom / the bags under my eyes, my backside, my hips, my knees for christ's sake / the sad nutrient depleted skin / the tramlines ingrained in my shoulders and chest from wearing either a maternity or nursing bra non-stop for four years. And if they were really lucky, someone could make me laugh/ sneeze/ cough without warning and watch me pee myself….

In the background, perhaps with a soundtrack of Young Hearts Run Free, my day playing out : kids screaming at me, dog whining, my osteo's bill, my husband's sad surfeit of condoms, whining, breakfast, lunch, teatime, bathtime, bedtime, my wardrobe full of pretty shoes too short and too narrow, never to be worn again except by my daughter or someone from e-bay, a bed full of outfits tried on with hope and discarded with acceptance. Knackered, knackered, knackered.

Perhaps this might frighten the Teenagers into potentially plaguing their bodies so early on and the Late Leavers knowing that after late onset childbirth Mother Nature puts all her power into child rearing and none of it into restoring elasticity to your skin, your genitals and your pelvic floor.

That should do it.  A walking Public Information Broadcast for teenage chicks and old broiler hens.

Dear Sir, I hope you think I am suitable to put forward for this popular role, but if you need any further information on any points in my application, I look forward to hearing from you....

Chicken with 40 cloves of garlic

Easy-peasy lemon squeezy recipe which rather bizarrely hardly tastes of garlic.  Instead, you get a creamy, gooey load of garlic to squeeze out on whatever other vegetables, salad or carbs you are serving this with.

You will need to cook this in a deep casserole dish for optimum effect but improvise with what you have.

Whole medium to large chicken

Quite a lot of garlic -unpeeled

Some stalks of celery cut to about 5” long

An onion

Olive Oil

Thyme, Rosemary, Sage

Salt and black pepper

Some white wine if you want

Pre-heat the oven to about 180°C/350°F/Gas mark 4.  Mix a spoon of olive oil with a generous pinch of salt and some ground pepper.  Wipe inside the cavity with a bit of salt and then use your hands to smother the whole bird with the oil/salt/pepper mix.  Inside the cavity put some stalks of celery, about 5 unpeeled cloves of garlic, half of your herbs and the onion cut in half.

In the bottom of the casserole dish pour a tablespoon of olive oil.  Scatter the rest of the unpeeled garlic cloves and the rest of the stalks of celery. Now lay the bird on top and push the rest of the herbs around it.

Cover with a lid and roast gently in the oven for 1¼ hrs.  If you want to add wine – add this after the chicken has been in for about 1 hour.  Remove the lid and let colour gently for about 15 mins.  Test the chicken to see if it is cooked by poking a sharp knife or skewer into the crease between the leg and the breast – if there is blood in the juices, this baby needs more time.

Remove the chicken from the casserole or put on a warmed dish or wooden carving platter.  Cover with foil and a teatowel to keep warm.

Remove the cloves of garlic from the oil and juices in the pan.  You can either serve these separately or squeeze out some of the soft garlic back into your juices to pour onto your meat.  Feel free to add more wine or cream with perhaps some tarragon to the juices and leave on a simmer to make a sauce if you want something richer.